Celine, thank you for this piece. I just published my first ever (!) fiction story in a literary magazine, and I was horrified that the piece they selected was the one that took the least amount of effort, pain, frustration to write. Really, THIS was the one they wanted to put out in the world? It could be so much better, and I has many others that *were* better! My source material was my dreams, and it felt like cheating, like I didn’t really write it. And in reading you and talking to some creative friends, I realize that it’s not that the story was effortless, it’s that I had spent my lifetime on my writing practice and this was one of the things that came out of alllllll of that work.
I really appreciate your thinking on this. And I especially appreciate how SPECIFIC and well-researched this entire piece was. I am bookmarking it and will for sure return to it several more times.
omg Dizzy—congratulations!! where can I read your story?
I also love this anecdote because it touches on something I've been thinking a lot about…how the things that "pay off" sometimes, that are externally rewarded, aren't always the things we labored the most over! The relationship between effort and reward is so obscure, and frequently feels off…the reward has to be the work itself, and getting to labor over something in a pleasurable way.
And what you said is very true—you sharpen your subjectivity and your technique and your ability to contain meaning in text over the course of a lifetime, and then it emerges (almost intuitively and spontaneously) in the work in front of you. But that spontaneous, nearly effortless expression was only possible because of the hours/days/weeks/years of effort that came before it!
Thanks so much for reading and for sharing your own experiences ❤️
"My image of an artist in motion is one of the brows furrowed in concentration, lips pursed in judgement, and eyes anything but closed in the way it does during a smile. It is fully open, absorbing the world in front of it." (from an old piece)
Dissatisfaction is the gap between your desired state and your current state. Buddhists say: let go your desires, and you will be satisfied. But while it's meaningful to drop your desires, the struggle towards your wants is where meaning is created.
I really like this definition of the divine discontent, and think it can be also be a way to distinguish between desires that are worth letting go of and desires worth the discontent for.
You raised a really important nuance, too—there are certain desires (for fame, let's say, or extravagant wealth and success) that are probably better to let go of! Especially when it comes to creating work. But then which desires are worth clinging onto? Because I do care intensely about whether my work satisfies my taste, and whether it resonates with at least one person. That push-and-pull of giving up on one's desires, and pursuing them, is really interesting to me.
There's a book I read last year, Bruce Tift's Already Free, which attempts to synthesize a Buddhist point of view (you are good enough as you are, there is nothing terribly wrong that needs to be fixed about yourself, acceptance is key) with a psychotherapeutic point of view (you can get better, you can become more whole or capable at life, you can understand your desires and pursue them). Possibly also relevant to this dilemma?
HAHA I didn't link it because it's an old piece where I find the writing a little embarrassing but I do appreciate it
Does greatness come from dissatisfaction? And if so, how much does that cost permeate through your life? I grapple with the tension between self-acceptance and self-improvement *so much*, because I owe to the precious things in my life to self-improvement but self-acceptance is obviously important too!
This reminds me of how in viktor frankl’s man’s search for meaning, he talks about tension, rather than relaxation/happiness/homeostasis, being core to a fulfilling life. The tension is from (meaning/goal/desire/relationship/belief) on one end and the human seeking or working toward that on the other. Without it, life goes slack. But importantly also that suffering that can be avoided should be, and that that other end changes, is state and context dependent, and most realised when outward facing (when the self dissolves).
Yes Elizabeth! I'm not sure about its philosophical roots, but I read this book called A Million Miles in a Thousand Years and the central premise was that the same elements that make a good life are the elements that make a good story - and story needs tension. Changed my life along with man's search for meaning :)
“Divine discontent” is a great phrase ... and also I'm noticing some kind of discomfort with it for myself. It doesn't quite resonate for me personally.
I’m endlessly curious but I don’t think I often feel the discontent described here. (I do live with recurring bouts of depression, so I do feel unhappy and sometimes in relation to work/hobbies/art/the things, but I tend to associate that with depression itself ...)
Maybe I just have a negative association with the word so I’m sitting with that and seeing how it feels and being curious about how that might expand my perspective.
Kathryn, thank you for reading and for this very thoughtful response!! I do think that discontent/dissatisfaction with one's work can easily be negative (and catastrophically so!)…and I also wonder, sometimes, whether what I'm experiencing is a useful dissatisfaction or an unpleasant one.
Even if it didn't resonate, I'm really happy to have you read this 💌 and also for pushing on the points that don't quite feel right!
Thanks for the response. It resonated in a lot of ways and I find it interesting that “discontent” isn’t resonating. It is stimulating me to think about this - my relationship with my curiosities and creativity - more. Might need a journal session and some marination. <3 <3
My introduction to "Divine Discontent" is a story about one of the founders of Alcoholics Anonymous, Bill Wilson. After recovering from alcoholism and watching this amazing fellowship of other recovering alcoholics spring up he still suffered from severe depressions. He was talking to a priest or pastor, some religious guy, who told him he was suffering a "Divine Discontent". That if he didn't feel this he would not have created AA.
Being a depressed, discontented, ex drunk this stuck with me.
Years later I find my creations mediocre, a solid B+ achievement. Worse I've picked very laborious mediums, tedious, painstaking. Just trudging the road. Seeking the divine.
Thank you for the Alcoholics Anonymous reference—I've actually been really interested lately in the intellectual underpinnings of AA and how it helps people with their struggles and lives. One of my favorite writers, Meghan O'Gieblyn, has a beautiful essay about how AA rejects the concept of self-help in favor of mutual aid between recovering alcoholics: https://thepointmag.com/examined-life/the-insane-idea/ (it also has a really interesting discussion of what can be scientifically validated and what seems to empirically work, anyway, without that validation!)
What you said about "trudging the road/seeking the divine" has a lovely ring to it—really love the image this creates.
ah, why own a mirror at all, when i can simple stick this essay on a wall
celine, you are definitely very, very, very, very -- (not sure if this is enough verys tbh) -- good at this. i just started and launched something new and this is EXACTLY how i feel. being in this state of 'divine discontent' and not driving yourself crazy takes a lot of effort -- (the funny part is that i mostly feel it when i have to share what i've worked on, which makes me want to delay sharing, so i then have to force myself to do it anyways) -- but i think it'll ultimately be worth it. this essay is like a hug from someone who knows exactly what you're going through and encourages you to keep going. like every time, thanks for writing this!
There is a constant tension inside my body that is perfectly encapsulated by the phrase "divine discontent." I always feel I am on the verge of solving some great problem with my work, if only I can get to write it down *this* second in *this* style... But then this usually happens to me when I am driving, or otherwise occupied, and as soon as I come to my destination other values take hold -- like kissing my partner hello, or doing the dishes I neglected that morning, or watching something horrible unfolding on the news. My best thoughts come to me when I cannot conceive of how to write them down, because they are so big and abstract and often exist only in images.
However, this is all a handwringing exercise -- each time I sit down to write, and actually DO write, something magical happens, and even if I hate some of it certain sentences will sing so clearly of my soul that I'm brought to invisible tears. And I do, in fact, finish very little of substance. I was watching the CBS Sunday Mornings piece on the new Da Vinci doc by Ken Burns this morning, and the filmmakers describe Da Vinci as a man who finished relatively little over the course of his life. His genius was captured in half-sketches and incomplete fragments simply because what he was curious about had been satisfied to this kind of end. It shocked me to know that there are only about 20 Da Vinci paintings, and maybe half of them were finished. And yet -- he is a genius because he worked tirelessly to improve upon his technique, and thus some of his paintings are the most famous in the world.
In this time we live in of instant gratification, pleasuredome ethics, and productivity culture, taking one's time to create anything seems astronomically wasteful -- and yet the creative must hold fast to the belief that time will be good to those who are in for the long haul.
Rose, thank you for this lovely comment!!! You expressed this so beautifully: "I always feel I am on the verge of solving some great problem with my work, if only I can get to write it down this second in this style"…I very much relate to that feeling of urgency! It sometimes feels like the most important and vital thing is to write something/make something beautiful, when the moment strikes…but of course life always gets in the way.
But then when life does clear some space…I experience exactly what you're describing: something magical happens, something exciting emerges, and I feel exceptionally satisfied.
Your last paragraph reminds me of a quote I cut from my draft, which is Bill Watterson describing the joy of having a creative practice: "We're not really taught how to recreate constructively. We need to do more than find diversions; we need to restore and expand ourselves. Our idea of relaxing is all too often to plop down in front of the television set and let its pandering idiocy liquefy our brains. Shutting off the thought process is not rejuvenating; the mind is like a car battery-it recharges by running." https://web.mit.edu/jmorzins/www/C-H-speech.html
It does feel like society is constantly urging us to just consume, just be passive (or be so obsessed with usefulness that we are over-active, only doing what is profitable!). It feels important to push back against that and do something with more personal significance.
I love this! I’ve always considered myself as someone who preferred thinking of writing to actual writing and acknowledging the divine discontent may be the antidote
Your comment reminded me of that one quote, often attributed to Dorothy Parker: "I hate writing, but I love having written."
While there's some truth to it, I wonder if it creates this anxiety/pressure where people think—well, because I enjoy the results but find the process difficult, I must not be serious about writing! I v much believe in accepting the intermediary unhappiness as normal—it's not really that unhappy, imo, bc it's in service of a particular form of meaning!
Divine discontent seems the opposite of fulfillment. I think there is a certain pleasure in the simple act of doing, not as a means to an end, but the pure contentedness that comes from creating or materializing an idea. I think dissatisfaction arises from the discrepancy between goals/ideals and our ability to achieve them.
Anyway, thank you for sharing this- fun idea to chew on and loved your writing.
Thank you for reading and for your kind words!! On reflection, I do think the pure contentedness you describe (making something out of an instinctual interest) is really the thing that makes creative work exciting…and the trick is to not constantly compare the work-in-progress to an ideal (which often causes suffering!)
My accident of fate was watching The Big Sleep for about the dozenth time and wondering what became of two of the minor characters. I had been trying to write for a couple of decades, and had less than a handful of completed short stories to show for it. And then I discovered that I wanted to write about those two characters, a taxi driver and a bookstore owner who each have just one scene flirting with Marlowe. I couldn't get the question out of my head, so I made it a story. And before I knew it, it was a novel. And now it's three novels.
And in hindsight I think I know what my problem was. I desperately wanted to be a "literary" author of serious stories. I was caring more about what other people would think of my writing than whether I got any satisfaction from it. Finally I realized that I enjoyed writing the kind of book I enjoyed reading (imagine that!) and that if I just got out of my own way, I could write.
I really loved reading this comment, thank you!! I relate especially to what you said about just—realizing what you actually wanted to write, getting out of your own way, and actually making it happen.
The pressure to be the right kind of writer/person often suppresses people from figuring out what kind of writer/person they already are…where their interests, passions, and talents lie, and how to take actual pleasure from them (instead of feeling ashamed or inadequate)
Floored by this, as if my writing Granny (imaginary- my real granny was more into baking pies) had just walked into the room and said, now let’s make sense of this dilemma you’ve been toting around for 70+ years. When I was 27 the love of my life, a very disciplined, organized, and not terribly creative engineer, said “if writing makes you so miserable, Why don’t you do something else?” At least I had the sense to realize that was the end of him, for me. 45 years later, writing still drives me crazy as I spend my days battling with recalcitrant essays and my first novel and short stories, although I do make money as a wine writer. I still have seductive inner conversations with that love of my life where I try to convince him that all of this makes me one of the happiest people on Earth. Yet there’s a kind of glorious misery to every week, with highs and lows that all feed the work. Invariably, on a day when I measure myself by my level of misery, someone will say to me “you’re such an inspiration–you seem to take life by the horns and run with it.“
Then along comes writing-Granny Céline who makes sense of all this. How wonderful! Thank you for this treasure of a post.
omg Ellen, this is such a kind comment! I laughed a little at "recalcitrant essays" (I'm working on one right now) and very much relate to having to convince others: no, this DOES make me happy! The glorious misery of not quite achieving what I wanted to…but feeling excited to try it anyway…
Your comment was very encouraging and inspiring—thank you!!
"Perfection is impossible, but I'm chasing it anyway."
There's something really deep in that. The journey to perfection even though one knows it's unreachable, can drive us to be better, to push ourselves, and to never settle. It's about not flawlessness but trying to be better and changing.
For it is in the chase of perfection that ironically lies what we are, resilience, dedication, and the courage to be imperfect. The pursuit may be endless, but on the way, ironically, we turn out to become stronger, wiser, and more complete. Sometimes, it is while chasing the unattainable that we find out what we are truly capable of.
Love how you described this! Flawlessness is impossible (and the human condition is really about being terribly and irretrievably flawed)…but there is something special about accepting that and feeling eager to constantly rededicate ourselves to our work and lives. Really appreciate you leaving this comment, thank you!
Thank you for your thought provoking essay and I hope it provides a measure of solace for those who have pondered the same questions your writing addresses. It resonated deeply with me and I appreciate your thoughtful insights. I’ll be sharing your work with both of my daughters who are at the beginning of their careers.
Thank you, John—I'm genuinely so happy when my writing resonates with people and touches on some of the bigger questions in our lives (how to do meaningful work, how to feel content…)
Celine, thank you for this piece. I just published my first ever (!) fiction story in a literary magazine, and I was horrified that the piece they selected was the one that took the least amount of effort, pain, frustration to write. Really, THIS was the one they wanted to put out in the world? It could be so much better, and I has many others that *were* better! My source material was my dreams, and it felt like cheating, like I didn’t really write it. And in reading you and talking to some creative friends, I realize that it’s not that the story was effortless, it’s that I had spent my lifetime on my writing practice and this was one of the things that came out of alllllll of that work.
I really appreciate your thinking on this. And I especially appreciate how SPECIFIC and well-researched this entire piece was. I am bookmarking it and will for sure return to it several more times.
omg Dizzy—congratulations!! where can I read your story?
I also love this anecdote because it touches on something I've been thinking a lot about…how the things that "pay off" sometimes, that are externally rewarded, aren't always the things we labored the most over! The relationship between effort and reward is so obscure, and frequently feels off…the reward has to be the work itself, and getting to labor over something in a pleasurable way.
And what you said is very true—you sharpen your subjectivity and your technique and your ability to contain meaning in text over the course of a lifetime, and then it emerges (almost intuitively and spontaneously) in the work in front of you. But that spontaneous, nearly effortless expression was only possible because of the hours/days/weeks/years of effort that came before it!
Thanks so much for reading and for sharing your own experiences ❤️
That’s exactly right! And thank you 💛 My story is in Broken Antler: https://www.brokenantlermag.com/issue-five-fiction/recurring-teeth-by-dizzy-zaba
"My image of an artist in motion is one of the brows furrowed in concentration, lips pursed in judgement, and eyes anything but closed in the way it does during a smile. It is fully open, absorbing the world in front of it." (from an old piece)
Dissatisfaction is the gap between your desired state and your current state. Buddhists say: let go your desires, and you will be satisfied. But while it's meaningful to drop your desires, the struggle towards your wants is where meaning is created.
I really like this definition of the divine discontent, and think it can be also be a way to distinguish between desires that are worth letting go of and desires worth the discontent for.
I love how you described "an artist in motion"—just read your post as a whole and it's lovely, linking it here for others! https://fishinapool.substack.com/p/something-of-your-own
You raised a really important nuance, too—there are certain desires (for fame, let's say, or extravagant wealth and success) that are probably better to let go of! Especially when it comes to creating work. But then which desires are worth clinging onto? Because I do care intensely about whether my work satisfies my taste, and whether it resonates with at least one person. That push-and-pull of giving up on one's desires, and pursuing them, is really interesting to me.
There's a book I read last year, Bruce Tift's Already Free, which attempts to synthesize a Buddhist point of view (you are good enough as you are, there is nothing terribly wrong that needs to be fixed about yourself, acceptance is key) with a psychotherapeutic point of view (you can get better, you can become more whole or capable at life, you can understand your desires and pursue them). Possibly also relevant to this dilemma?
HAHA I didn't link it because it's an old piece where I find the writing a little embarrassing but I do appreciate it
Does greatness come from dissatisfaction? And if so, how much does that cost permeate through your life? I grapple with the tension between self-acceptance and self-improvement *so much*, because I owe to the precious things in my life to self-improvement but self-acceptance is obviously important too!
getting the book rn :)
This reminds me of how in viktor frankl’s man’s search for meaning, he talks about tension, rather than relaxation/happiness/homeostasis, being core to a fulfilling life. The tension is from (meaning/goal/desire/relationship/belief) on one end and the human seeking or working toward that on the other. Without it, life goes slack. But importantly also that suffering that can be avoided should be, and that that other end changes, is state and context dependent, and most realised when outward facing (when the self dissolves).
Yes Elizabeth! I'm not sure about its philosophical roots, but I read this book called A Million Miles in a Thousand Years and the central premise was that the same elements that make a good life are the elements that make a good story - and story needs tension. Changed my life along with man's search for meaning :)
“Divine discontent” is a great phrase ... and also I'm noticing some kind of discomfort with it for myself. It doesn't quite resonate for me personally.
I’m endlessly curious but I don’t think I often feel the discontent described here. (I do live with recurring bouts of depression, so I do feel unhappy and sometimes in relation to work/hobbies/art/the things, but I tend to associate that with depression itself ...)
Maybe I just have a negative association with the word so I’m sitting with that and seeing how it feels and being curious about how that might expand my perspective.
Excellent essay.
Kathryn, thank you for reading and for this very thoughtful response!! I do think that discontent/dissatisfaction with one's work can easily be negative (and catastrophically so!)…and I also wonder, sometimes, whether what I'm experiencing is a useful dissatisfaction or an unpleasant one.
Even if it didn't resonate, I'm really happy to have you read this 💌 and also for pushing on the points that don't quite feel right!
Thanks for the response. It resonated in a lot of ways and I find it interesting that “discontent” isn’t resonating. It is stimulating me to think about this - my relationship with my curiosities and creativity - more. Might need a journal session and some marination. <3 <3
My introduction to "Divine Discontent" is a story about one of the founders of Alcoholics Anonymous, Bill Wilson. After recovering from alcoholism and watching this amazing fellowship of other recovering alcoholics spring up he still suffered from severe depressions. He was talking to a priest or pastor, some religious guy, who told him he was suffering a "Divine Discontent". That if he didn't feel this he would not have created AA.
Being a depressed, discontented, ex drunk this stuck with me.
Years later I find my creations mediocre, a solid B+ achievement. Worse I've picked very laborious mediums, tedious, painstaking. Just trudging the road. Seeking the divine.
Thank you for the Alcoholics Anonymous reference—I've actually been really interested lately in the intellectual underpinnings of AA and how it helps people with their struggles and lives. One of my favorite writers, Meghan O'Gieblyn, has a beautiful essay about how AA rejects the concept of self-help in favor of mutual aid between recovering alcoholics: https://thepointmag.com/examined-life/the-insane-idea/ (it also has a really interesting discussion of what can be scientifically validated and what seems to empirically work, anyway, without that validation!)
What you said about "trudging the road/seeking the divine" has a lovely ring to it—really love the image this creates.
And the 13th step!
I really loved this, the essay, all the links and books you reference. Thank you 🙏🏻
thank you for reading! 🕊️
i agree. and you always have the best links to sites i'm not familiar with. a treasure trove of goodies!
ah, why own a mirror at all, when i can simple stick this essay on a wall
celine, you are definitely very, very, very, very -- (not sure if this is enough verys tbh) -- good at this. i just started and launched something new and this is EXACTLY how i feel. being in this state of 'divine discontent' and not driving yourself crazy takes a lot of effort -- (the funny part is that i mostly feel it when i have to share what i've worked on, which makes me want to delay sharing, so i then have to force myself to do it anyways) -- but i think it'll ultimately be worth it. this essay is like a hug from someone who knows exactly what you're going through and encourages you to keep going. like every time, thanks for writing this!
There is a constant tension inside my body that is perfectly encapsulated by the phrase "divine discontent." I always feel I am on the verge of solving some great problem with my work, if only I can get to write it down *this* second in *this* style... But then this usually happens to me when I am driving, or otherwise occupied, and as soon as I come to my destination other values take hold -- like kissing my partner hello, or doing the dishes I neglected that morning, or watching something horrible unfolding on the news. My best thoughts come to me when I cannot conceive of how to write them down, because they are so big and abstract and often exist only in images.
However, this is all a handwringing exercise -- each time I sit down to write, and actually DO write, something magical happens, and even if I hate some of it certain sentences will sing so clearly of my soul that I'm brought to invisible tears. And I do, in fact, finish very little of substance. I was watching the CBS Sunday Mornings piece on the new Da Vinci doc by Ken Burns this morning, and the filmmakers describe Da Vinci as a man who finished relatively little over the course of his life. His genius was captured in half-sketches and incomplete fragments simply because what he was curious about had been satisfied to this kind of end. It shocked me to know that there are only about 20 Da Vinci paintings, and maybe half of them were finished. And yet -- he is a genius because he worked tirelessly to improve upon his technique, and thus some of his paintings are the most famous in the world.
In this time we live in of instant gratification, pleasuredome ethics, and productivity culture, taking one's time to create anything seems astronomically wasteful -- and yet the creative must hold fast to the belief that time will be good to those who are in for the long haul.
Rose, thank you for this lovely comment!!! You expressed this so beautifully: "I always feel I am on the verge of solving some great problem with my work, if only I can get to write it down this second in this style"…I very much relate to that feeling of urgency! It sometimes feels like the most important and vital thing is to write something/make something beautiful, when the moment strikes…but of course life always gets in the way.
But then when life does clear some space…I experience exactly what you're describing: something magical happens, something exciting emerges, and I feel exceptionally satisfied.
Your last paragraph reminds me of a quote I cut from my draft, which is Bill Watterson describing the joy of having a creative practice: "We're not really taught how to recreate constructively. We need to do more than find diversions; we need to restore and expand ourselves. Our idea of relaxing is all too often to plop down in front of the television set and let its pandering idiocy liquefy our brains. Shutting off the thought process is not rejuvenating; the mind is like a car battery-it recharges by running." https://web.mit.edu/jmorzins/www/C-H-speech.html
It does feel like society is constantly urging us to just consume, just be passive (or be so obsessed with usefulness that we are over-active, only doing what is profitable!). It feels important to push back against that and do something with more personal significance.
I love this! I’ve always considered myself as someone who preferred thinking of writing to actual writing and acknowledging the divine discontent may be the antidote
Your comment reminded me of that one quote, often attributed to Dorothy Parker: "I hate writing, but I love having written."
While there's some truth to it, I wonder if it creates this anxiety/pressure where people think—well, because I enjoy the results but find the process difficult, I must not be serious about writing! I v much believe in accepting the intermediary unhappiness as normal—it's not really that unhappy, imo, bc it's in service of a particular form of meaning!
Divine discontent seems the opposite of fulfillment. I think there is a certain pleasure in the simple act of doing, not as a means to an end, but the pure contentedness that comes from creating or materializing an idea. I think dissatisfaction arises from the discrepancy between goals/ideals and our ability to achieve them.
Anyway, thank you for sharing this- fun idea to chew on and loved your writing.
Thank you for reading and for your kind words!! On reflection, I do think the pure contentedness you describe (making something out of an instinctual interest) is really the thing that makes creative work exciting…and the trick is to not constantly compare the work-in-progress to an ideal (which often causes suffering!)
My accident of fate was watching The Big Sleep for about the dozenth time and wondering what became of two of the minor characters. I had been trying to write for a couple of decades, and had less than a handful of completed short stories to show for it. And then I discovered that I wanted to write about those two characters, a taxi driver and a bookstore owner who each have just one scene flirting with Marlowe. I couldn't get the question out of my head, so I made it a story. And before I knew it, it was a novel. And now it's three novels.
And in hindsight I think I know what my problem was. I desperately wanted to be a "literary" author of serious stories. I was caring more about what other people would think of my writing than whether I got any satisfaction from it. Finally I realized that I enjoyed writing the kind of book I enjoyed reading (imagine that!) and that if I just got out of my own way, I could write.
I really loved reading this comment, thank you!! I relate especially to what you said about just—realizing what you actually wanted to write, getting out of your own way, and actually making it happen.
The pressure to be the right kind of writer/person often suppresses people from figuring out what kind of writer/person they already are…where their interests, passions, and talents lie, and how to take actual pleasure from them (instead of feeling ashamed or inadequate)
I love the ring of this term—"the divine discontent," I mean, it sounds like something CS Lewis would have come up with.
have to say I was a huge C.S. Lewis fan when I was younger…so this is a delightful comment, thank you!
Floored by this, as if my writing Granny (imaginary- my real granny was more into baking pies) had just walked into the room and said, now let’s make sense of this dilemma you’ve been toting around for 70+ years. When I was 27 the love of my life, a very disciplined, organized, and not terribly creative engineer, said “if writing makes you so miserable, Why don’t you do something else?” At least I had the sense to realize that was the end of him, for me. 45 years later, writing still drives me crazy as I spend my days battling with recalcitrant essays and my first novel and short stories, although I do make money as a wine writer. I still have seductive inner conversations with that love of my life where I try to convince him that all of this makes me one of the happiest people on Earth. Yet there’s a kind of glorious misery to every week, with highs and lows that all feed the work. Invariably, on a day when I measure myself by my level of misery, someone will say to me “you’re such an inspiration–you seem to take life by the horns and run with it.“
Then along comes writing-Granny Céline who makes sense of all this. How wonderful! Thank you for this treasure of a post.
omg Ellen, this is such a kind comment! I laughed a little at "recalcitrant essays" (I'm working on one right now) and very much relate to having to convince others: no, this DOES make me happy! The glorious misery of not quite achieving what I wanted to…but feeling excited to try it anyway…
Your comment was very encouraging and inspiring—thank you!!
Thank you for writing this! It made me feel very inspired even though I'm going through some burnout right now.
really happy to hear this resonated! and fingers crossed the burnout passes soon and you feel reconnected to your creativity/work soon 💌
thank you 🤍🤍🤍
"Perfection is impossible, but I'm chasing it anyway."
There's something really deep in that. The journey to perfection even though one knows it's unreachable, can drive us to be better, to push ourselves, and to never settle. It's about not flawlessness but trying to be better and changing.
For it is in the chase of perfection that ironically lies what we are, resilience, dedication, and the courage to be imperfect. The pursuit may be endless, but on the way, ironically, we turn out to become stronger, wiser, and more complete. Sometimes, it is while chasing the unattainable that we find out what we are truly capable of.
Love how you described this! Flawlessness is impossible (and the human condition is really about being terribly and irretrievably flawed)…but there is something special about accepting that and feeling eager to constantly rededicate ourselves to our work and lives. Really appreciate you leaving this comment, thank you!
Thank you for your thought provoking essay and I hope it provides a measure of solace for those who have pondered the same questions your writing addresses. It resonated deeply with me and I appreciate your thoughtful insights. I’ll be sharing your work with both of my daughters who are at the beginning of their careers.
Thank you, John—I'm genuinely so happy when my writing resonates with people and touches on some of the bigger questions in our lives (how to do meaningful work, how to feel content…)