This really connected with me. I struggle with the gulf between my ambition and my ability, my taste and my skill, all the time. Going to try to take this mentality of acceptance to heart!
thank you for reading! I struggle with the gulf too—it really feels like the only way through it is making more work, believing in quality and persistence, and hoping that the gulf narrows a bit over time
Hey Celine! This really resonated with me. Just last night I felt the sudden and immense burden of lost time—all the books I hadn't read, all the hours I hadn't spent writing. Your piece reassures me that aspiration is not only a good indicator of an evolving aliveness, but the fuel on which a fulfilling writing practice runs on.
omg yes the fear of lost time, lost moments that could have contributed to our cultivation as writers and thinkers…I’m reminded of the opening paragraph of A.O. Scott’s essay on Susan Sontag:
“I spent my adolescence in a terrible hurry to read all the books, see all the movies, listen to all the music, look at everything in all the museums…Culturally ravenous young people have always been insufferable and never unusual, even though they tend to invest a lot in being different — in aspiring (or pretending) to something deeper, higher than the common run. Viewed with the chastened hindsight of adulthood, their seriousness shows its ridiculous side, but the longing that drives it is no joke. It’s a hunger not so much for knowledge as for experience of a particular kind. Two kinds, really: the specific experience of encountering a book or work of art and also the future experience, the state of perfectly cultivated being, that awaits you at the end of the search.”
he’s writing about very young, ambitious, insecure thinkers—but I suspect this kind of hunger (laced with fear) might continue for the rest of one’s life! and maybe the thing to do is retain the hunger without the insecurity attached to it https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2019/10/08/magazine/susan-sontag.html
Omg, just to emphasize how timely this all is - I'm currently reading Against Interpretation 😂 And I guess that is (definitely) contributing to the restlessness.
I stumbled upon this essay thanks to a friend's recommendation and am so glad I read it. I think you might really enjoy Clare Carlisle's work. Among many other things, she is a philosopher who writes biographies. Both her biography of Kapka and her account of George Eliot's literary life as being concerned with "the marriage question" are engaging and thought-provoking.
Thank you for reading (and thank you to your friend for sharing this!!)
Your recommendation of Clare Carlisle is so helpful—I just looked her up and might try to read her Kierkegaard book soon. I’m a bit obsessed with Kierkegaard (though I find him a bit elliptical/dense to read directly) and would love to read more biographies/interpretations of his work
Ah yes, it's the Kierkegaard book I was referring to, not Kafka (which my device autocorrected to Kapka because I love the writer Kapka Kassabova and frequently share my enthusiasm about her work). Agree with you on the denseness, and I did find the biography made the life story more legible.
All those doubts about writerly aspiration, the wistful desire to be Well-Read, the shame attendant on nascent (or newly revived) aspiration--how true! This was exactly what I needed today!
Also, justice for Descartes! Even in the Meditations the guy acknowledges that the mind and the body, though conceptually and metaphysically separable, come together in experience: "Nature also teaches me, through these sensations of pain, hunger, thirst and so on, that I (a thinking thing) am not merely in my body as a sailor is in a ship. Rather, I am closely joined to it – intermingled with it, so to speak – so that it and I form a unit." And it's not just dualism he gets blamed for--wildest thing I read as a teenager was this right-wing evangelical book that blamed him for multiculturalism!
justice for Descartes indeed! the white you shared is so intriguing and so different from the exaggerated/simplified way his ideas seem to be presented?
and yes, the same associated with one’s very nascent aspirations is so real…but the only way out is through the shame
Brilliant, as always Celine!! The first part of aspiration reminds me of a substack blurb I read awhile back on acquired tastes. How an "acquired taste" means that we can still acquire it, and should aim to with effort. I really buy into this philosophy, of recognizing a a vague sense of something's importance and aspiring to acquire a full understanding/ appreciation. I read and take on projects with this mindset, that I'm in the process of acquiring a taste, meaning it's not natural and I never fully understand or even enjoy it- until one day, when I do.
I love that blurb! it's very encouraging for me to think of many aspects of taste, sensitivity, criticality, judgment as things we can refine over time—the fact that it's not easy upfront IS the point of it all!!
Picked up L.A. Paul’s Transformative Experience from the library yesterday! At this point in life, I can attest to the time aspiring can take. I wanted to understand the inner value that people were clearly experiencing when I would read their thoughts on cooking. Because I find cooking boring, but food is a core human experience. It took 16 years of effort and a pandemic lockdown to have an inner experience while making dinner like I’d read about. Can’t say it’s lasted, but it was worth the effort to at least be capable in the kitchen now. Enjoying this series, and taking it to ponder on!
I hope you enjoy Paul's book! also, your cooking example is great—I also had to learn to enjoy cooking (and especially learning how to enjoy fussier recipes! and being patient about slowly simmering things…preparing vegetables more carefully…), and it did feel like a slow process of values-acquisition
haha I am calling out (in?) myself with that line too…I return to this part often!
"For the first couple years you make stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they quit. Most people I know who do interesting, creative work went through years of this. We know our work doesn’t have this special thing that we want it to have. We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know its normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you will finish one story. It is only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as your ambitions."
I related to so many points in this essay that it's hard to know what to say. For now, thank you for writing this. I am leaving with a reading list and another lens through which to consider my experience as an aspiring reader and writer.
P.S. I studied political theory in grad school and spent many hours with philosophy PhDs (even married one), you are so right about how gossipy philosophy departments are. Always so much drama!!! 😂 🤦🏻♀️
thank you so much for reading, Petya! also really happy to hear that it resonated—both the thoughts on aspiration and the fascination with intra-discipline gossip 🙈
i went to an ocean vuong reading once over zoom and someone asked abt writing practices and being worried abt being pretentious .. and (im totally paraphrasing here) he said that being pretentious , really , is just having a pretense that u already belong
such generous and caring advice…which I need to keep in mind too!! there IS something pretentious about wanting to be better writers than we are; we have to put in all this work, before there’s proof that it was “worth it” (but the joy of writing for yourself, and writing seriously, is always worth it imo)
thank you Jess 💞💞 and all the best with your writing!!!
So much truth in this! Thank you. I will be rereading when work isn't calling - and grateful that I can now motivate myself to work on my own (unpaid!) for the sheer joy of it. (I'm not always so diligent!)
Just added 'Aspiration: The age of becoming' (Callard) and 'Long live the post horn' to my tbr after reading this. I really found solace in the parts about Callard as a beginner writer. I related to the part about aspirationally reading the new yorker. And to be honest I haven't read that muh philosopher, partially out of fear it would make me feel stupid or be boring. But I think its time I give it a try. Thank you for this article :)
thank you for reading! both Aspiration and Vigdis Hjorth’s novel are immense immense inspirations to me—so deeply comforting, because they reassure you that it’s okay to not be your best, truest, most actualized self YET…you’re using your agency to slowly get there!!
Currently on the subway to my Meisner acting class, a two year program I’m about 5 months into. The work has me feeling exactly like this. Oftentimes I feel like such a loser, especially as this first year focuses on being your full self in imaginary circumstances. Being your full self without the learned habits/behaviors that we are taught that often betray the core of who we actually are. My work currently is not where I wanted nor expected it to be. However, it’s where I’m at, and I continue to show up for class, continue to stretch and work the muscles of imagination that have been stiff and neglected for many years. I must trust that my continuous showing up, regardless of how inadequate I feel about the work I do in class and rehearsals will get me to where I aim to be.
So glad I found your post this morning. Thank you.
thank you Ruby!! so happy it resonated and all the best with your aspirational quest—I really do think (and am hoping this for myself and others) that many challenging aspirations become possible and attainable with time!
This really connected with me. I struggle with the gulf between my ambition and my ability, my taste and my skill, all the time. Going to try to take this mentality of acceptance to heart!
thank you for reading! I struggle with the gulf too—it really feels like the only way through it is making more work, believing in quality and persistence, and hoping that the gulf narrows a bit over time
wishing you the best with your own work 🖋️
Hey Celine! This really resonated with me. Just last night I felt the sudden and immense burden of lost time—all the books I hadn't read, all the hours I hadn't spent writing. Your piece reassures me that aspiration is not only a good indicator of an evolving aliveness, but the fuel on which a fulfilling writing practice runs on.
omg yes the fear of lost time, lost moments that could have contributed to our cultivation as writers and thinkers…I’m reminded of the opening paragraph of A.O. Scott’s essay on Susan Sontag:
“I spent my adolescence in a terrible hurry to read all the books, see all the movies, listen to all the music, look at everything in all the museums…Culturally ravenous young people have always been insufferable and never unusual, even though they tend to invest a lot in being different — in aspiring (or pretending) to something deeper, higher than the common run. Viewed with the chastened hindsight of adulthood, their seriousness shows its ridiculous side, but the longing that drives it is no joke. It’s a hunger not so much for knowledge as for experience of a particular kind. Two kinds, really: the specific experience of encountering a book or work of art and also the future experience, the state of perfectly cultivated being, that awaits you at the end of the search.”
he’s writing about very young, ambitious, insecure thinkers—but I suspect this kind of hunger (laced with fear) might continue for the rest of one’s life! and maybe the thing to do is retain the hunger without the insecurity attached to it https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2019/10/08/magazine/susan-sontag.html
Omg, just to emphasize how timely this all is - I'm currently reading Against Interpretation 😂 And I guess that is (definitely) contributing to the restlessness.
Thank you for this! I am excited to read it!
I stumbled upon this essay thanks to a friend's recommendation and am so glad I read it. I think you might really enjoy Clare Carlisle's work. Among many other things, she is a philosopher who writes biographies. Both her biography of Kapka and her account of George Eliot's literary life as being concerned with "the marriage question" are engaging and thought-provoking.
Thank you for reading (and thank you to your friend for sharing this!!)
Your recommendation of Clare Carlisle is so helpful—I just looked her up and might try to read her Kierkegaard book soon. I’m a bit obsessed with Kierkegaard (though I find him a bit elliptical/dense to read directly) and would love to read more biographies/interpretations of his work
Ah yes, it's the Kierkegaard book I was referring to, not Kafka (which my device autocorrected to Kapka because I love the writer Kapka Kassabova and frequently share my enthusiasm about her work). Agree with you on the denseness, and I did find the biography made the life story more legible.
This came out on my birthday! I have since read it countless times. Thankyou so much for this
happy belated birthday!! so happy you found this valuable and I hope the next year is full of very satisfying creative work and commitment!!!
i think you just changed my life
All those doubts about writerly aspiration, the wistful desire to be Well-Read, the shame attendant on nascent (or newly revived) aspiration--how true! This was exactly what I needed today!
Also, justice for Descartes! Even in the Meditations the guy acknowledges that the mind and the body, though conceptually and metaphysically separable, come together in experience: "Nature also teaches me, through these sensations of pain, hunger, thirst and so on, that I (a thinking thing) am not merely in my body as a sailor is in a ship. Rather, I am closely joined to it – intermingled with it, so to speak – so that it and I form a unit." And it's not just dualism he gets blamed for--wildest thing I read as a teenager was this right-wing evangelical book that blamed him for multiculturalism!
justice for Descartes indeed! the white you shared is so intriguing and so different from the exaggerated/simplified way his ideas seem to be presented?
and yes, the same associated with one’s very nascent aspirations is so real…but the only way out is through the shame
Brilliant, as always Celine!! The first part of aspiration reminds me of a substack blurb I read awhile back on acquired tastes. How an "acquired taste" means that we can still acquire it, and should aim to with effort. I really buy into this philosophy, of recognizing a a vague sense of something's importance and aspiring to acquire a full understanding/ appreciation. I read and take on projects with this mindset, that I'm in the process of acquiring a taste, meaning it's not natural and I never fully understand or even enjoy it- until one day, when I do.
I love that blurb! it's very encouraging for me to think of many aspects of taste, sensitivity, criticality, judgment as things we can refine over time—the fact that it's not easy upfront IS the point of it all!!
Picked up L.A. Paul’s Transformative Experience from the library yesterday! At this point in life, I can attest to the time aspiring can take. I wanted to understand the inner value that people were clearly experiencing when I would read their thoughts on cooking. Because I find cooking boring, but food is a core human experience. It took 16 years of effort and a pandemic lockdown to have an inner experience while making dinner like I’d read about. Can’t say it’s lasted, but it was worth the effort to at least be capable in the kitchen now. Enjoying this series, and taking it to ponder on!
I hope you enjoy Paul's book! also, your cooking example is great—I also had to learn to enjoy cooking (and especially learning how to enjoy fussier recipes! and being patient about slowly simmering things…preparing vegetables more carefully…), and it did feel like a slow process of values-acquisition
Wow I feel called out for that Ira Glass quote!
haha I am calling out (in?) myself with that line too…I return to this part often!
"For the first couple years you make stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they quit. Most people I know who do interesting, creative work went through years of this. We know our work doesn’t have this special thing that we want it to have. We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know its normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you will finish one story. It is only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as your ambitions."
I related to so many points in this essay that it's hard to know what to say. For now, thank you for writing this. I am leaving with a reading list and another lens through which to consider my experience as an aspiring reader and writer.
P.S. I studied political theory in grad school and spent many hours with philosophy PhDs (even married one), you are so right about how gossipy philosophy departments are. Always so much drama!!! 😂 🤦🏻♀️
thank you so much for reading, Petya! also really happy to hear that it resonated—both the thoughts on aspiration and the fascination with intra-discipline gossip 🙈
i went to an ocean vuong reading once over zoom and someone asked abt writing practices and being worried abt being pretentious .. and (im totally paraphrasing here) he said that being pretentious , really , is just having a pretense that u already belong
always stuck with me ! really loved this piece 💛
such generous and caring advice…which I need to keep in mind too!! there IS something pretentious about wanting to be better writers than we are; we have to put in all this work, before there’s proof that it was “worth it” (but the joy of writing for yourself, and writing seriously, is always worth it imo)
thank you Jess 💞💞 and all the best with your writing!!!
So much truth in this! Thank you. I will be rereading when work isn't calling - and grateful that I can now motivate myself to work on my own (unpaid!) for the sheer joy of it. (I'm not always so diligent!)
the ability to motivate ourselves to work (even if it’s uneven, even if it’s unavailable or hard to access some days) is really so precious!
thanks so much for reading and your comment, hoping that you’ll feel good about your work and efforts in the coming days 🕊️
Just added 'Aspiration: The age of becoming' (Callard) and 'Long live the post horn' to my tbr after reading this. I really found solace in the parts about Callard as a beginner writer. I related to the part about aspirationally reading the new yorker. And to be honest I haven't read that muh philosopher, partially out of fear it would make me feel stupid or be boring. But I think its time I give it a try. Thank you for this article :)
thank you for reading! both Aspiration and Vigdis Hjorth’s novel are immense immense inspirations to me—so deeply comforting, because they reassure you that it’s okay to not be your best, truest, most actualized self YET…you’re using your agency to slowly get there!!
Currently on the subway to my Meisner acting class, a two year program I’m about 5 months into. The work has me feeling exactly like this. Oftentimes I feel like such a loser, especially as this first year focuses on being your full self in imaginary circumstances. Being your full self without the learned habits/behaviors that we are taught that often betray the core of who we actually are. My work currently is not where I wanted nor expected it to be. However, it’s where I’m at, and I continue to show up for class, continue to stretch and work the muscles of imagination that have been stiff and neglected for many years. I must trust that my continuous showing up, regardless of how inadequate I feel about the work I do in class and rehearsals will get me to where I aim to be.
So glad I found your post this morning. Thank you.
thank you Ruby!! so happy it resonated and all the best with your aspirational quest—I really do think (and am hoping this for myself and others) that many challenging aspirations become possible and attainable with time!